Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
