Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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