All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
