My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Farmville is her only friend.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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