You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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