i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
