if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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