her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
