Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
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