I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize