Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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