My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
