Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
