Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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