I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
