They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
