Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
