I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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