Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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