With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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