Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
