I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
These tits shall not be calmed
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
