did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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