Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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