I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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