That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
