Where did you get a picture of my penis
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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