well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
