the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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