If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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