the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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