I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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