It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize