im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
