hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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