Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
