My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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