shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
