Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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