this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
