there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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