I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
