Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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