I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I got inside last night via doggy door
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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