the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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