He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
