I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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