Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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