Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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