be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
