non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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