At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
