I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize