you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
