dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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