I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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