I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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