I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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