my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
