Cold hands, warm shart.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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