dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
