tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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