and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
