Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
