hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
